13 Short Reviews For A Rather Unlucky Day

Today has been a rough day. 

 

Correction, rough is an understatement. Do you remember that woman who spilled hot coffee on herself at McDonalds? Right on the crotch. Now imagine yourself being that woman, and that hot coffee you just spilled on your guy-bits isn’t cooling down. The door isn’t working as you try and leave the car, and, somehow, your radio is just playing goddamn “Call Me Maybe” on repeat, and it’s at full blast. the back window is cracked and everyone can see you screaming and flailing about in your car, and they’re all watching and judging, with some pulling out their phones to record you and call you “Hot Crotch Giant Inflatable Flailing Tube Man Who Loves Call Me Maybe” on the videos they post of you on YouTube. That video? Well, that motherfucker just went viral, and your viral video just became promotional material for the new Carly Rae Jepsen “Greatest Hit” album. 

 

That’s my day. I’m “Hot Crotch Giant Inflatable Flailing Tube Man,” and I’m waiting for your people to call my people, Carly. My soul is always on sale.

 

Typically, when i feel this shitty, I’ll play a video game or something unless I’m in my car, blasting music. It’s on these days I don’t typically shuffle my music collection (something like 80,000 songs and counting). Instead, I’ve got my go to bands; The Banner, Converge, Poison The Well, and, for reasons I still have yet to discover, Teenage Bottlerocket typically find heavy rotation on days where I want to share the heat of my coffee-burned crotch with the rest of the world and set it on fire. I’m kind of tired of being left with my thoughts, so I decided to make a game of my bad day. Instead of playing my usual “bad day” staples, I’ll throw my overly-eclectic music collection on shuffle, listen to each song as it plays to the end without skipping, and notate exactly how well it lends to my bad mood soundtrack.

 

Fuck the world, let’s have fun.

 

1.) Turbonegro - "Hello Darkness"

It’s with this song I feel my iTunes is being kind. Turbonegro typically help accentuate a bad mood in some of the best ways. Do you like to party, drink, and fuck while being angry? If you’re currently pointing two thumbs at your own self and saying “I know this guy does, especially the fucking! Am I right, bruh?!” well shut up because you know you’re not having sex outside of your computer monitor or your “girlfriend” from Canada you sometimes talk to on Kik that you met in a shady chatroom on MSN all those years ago. You’ve never met, but you know she’s just really busy helping her mom who got cancer on the same day her dog died and also your “girlfriend” is likely playing you. Stop sending her money, and stop easily trusting girls on the internet you’ve never met just because she adds “69” to the end of her screen name. Her fucking profile picture is a Sports Illustrated swimsuit Issue cover, for god’s sake. Girls don’t even wear that much Aquanaut in their hair anymore. Go to a bar. Talk to people. It’s time you spread your wings. Jesus Christ.

 

Overall, good start.

 

2.) Public Enemy - “Can’t Do Nuttin’ For Ya, Man!” 

I’m not certain this is a good song to listen to at the moment. Maybe it is. Maybe I needed a song that really helps push the “this is all your fault, you dipshit. Stop being stupid” message, but do I really need to hear this from someone like Flava Flav? Let’s be real, this man wears a goddamn giant-ass clock around his neck and made a mockery of himself on a reality show based around him trying to have another baby with someone he met on camera (I didn’t honestly watch much of that show, so I’m going on assumption here.)

 

I hope that lawsuit works in your favor, though, Flav. Let’s “Bring the Noise” with the next song.

 

3.) Wilco - “Shrug and Destroy” 

The noise wasn’t brought. I jinxed myself. That’s fine. This song is off their brand new album “Schmilco,” and I can’t recommend this album more if I tried. But, Christ, this song is sad sounding. With lyrics like “Days Continue/Like a knife might intrude/I wonder who destroys/When nothing is left, rejoice” just.. fuck. I need a beer.

Go buy this album, though. It’s really good.

 

4.) Minsk - “Circle of Ashes” 

This shit is just what I needed. It’s less a song than a 4 minute wall of hellacious sound. It kind of reminds me of what it would be like to walk down a hallway to the inner circle to Hell, with noises and sounds slowly intensifying and growing louder and angrier. There’s a guy reading bible verses under the noises of this soundscape, with his voice gradually slowing down and growing deeper and more distorted. Minsk was one of those bands I added on a whim without paying much attention to them. They’ve officially got my complete and total undivided attention. i’m going to revisit this album later in the future.

 

5.) Motionless In White - “Contemptress (feat. Maria Brink)” 

I’ve attempted to remove this band from my music collection more times than I can count, and it, somehow, refuses to delete. I don’t get it. This is a band I liked a few years ago, and it was cool. Chris Motionless is a pretty nice guy, but their lyrics are so stupid, I just can’t listen to it without cringing anymore. It’s everything you could imagine from a band wearing bright-white face makeup and lipstick featuring a lady who, I’m assuming, is from another band I may like about as much as I like Motionless In White; not much.

 

This makes attempt #15 of removing their music from my collection. Keep your fingers crossed.

edit: Maria Brink is from In This Moment, according to google. I was correct in my assumptions of this band.

6.) Nite - “I am Not Afraid” 

This is a band I frequent when I’m more in a “chill” mood. I’ll sit down, have a beer, and zone out on the lush electronic sounds pulsing through my speakers, and it’s wonderful. If you like being a man who wears black nail polish and black skinny jeans and maybe a late 80’s Skinny Puppy hair-due and a safety pin in place of an earring in your ear, you’ll probably like this. Tonight, though, I’m not sure if this is really tickling my fancy. 

 

Fantastic band, though, and I highly recommend them.

 

7.) Broken Bones - “S.O.T.O.” 

If you’re unfamiliar with Broken Bones’ music, everything you need to know is right there in their band name. It’s loud, it’s pissed, and generally fast. If you like Motorhead, you’ll like this band, but I like this band a little more. Fight me.

 

8.) KMD - “Fuck Wit’ Ya Head!”

I remember finding this group through a list based on albums that had controversial album covers and names. It’s a pretty great little Hip Hop group and a great album. They remind me of old-school Wu Tang Clan or Geto Boys, and that’s always a good thing. The album cover is pretty unsettling, though. Probably best to not press play on this album if you have a tendency to  get racist from time to time.

 

9.) The Bronx - “Sore Throat” 

Oh god, fuck yes. The new Bronx album is so good. It’s loud. It’s balls-to-the-wall aggressive as hell. It’s everything one would expect from a Bronx album. The last thing you hear in this song is “I don’t care anymore” being screamed over crashing instruments, and I just want to bash my head against the wall. If you’re a fan of pushing people around in mosh pits and maybe also wearing trucker hats with obscure hardcore band names printed on them, this shit’s for you. Let me know, and we’ll have a Pabst together and talk about all the times we saw someone bleed at a concert.

 

10.) Gallows - “Misery” 

So, Gallows is a pretty gloom band as it is. It’s ironic to me this song shows up, as I’m not necessarily to least self-destructive person on the planet when I’m upset. This song plays on an album called “Grey Britain,” if that tells you anything. It’s mostly a song about suicide. It’s honestly a fantastic song and I love Gallows with a love typically reserved for bands like AFI or Crass, but I’m not sure this is the right song to be listening to at the moment. My beer is empty, and I need another.

 

11.) The Body - “Two Snakes” 

I love The Body. I love them in a way people look at art and love the shapes and colors they see. The Body isn’t so much music as much as it is a loud series of noises and screams. It’s more an audible art-piece, as far as I’m concerned. It’s sleek, It’s offensive, and I really just love harsh noise. If you’re a fan of doing PCP and recording the sounds of dogs fighting one another, then looping those noises over blown-out beats and attempting to explain it as “the perfect representation of how I feel all the time, man,” this band's right up your alley, and you should seek help immediately.

 

12.) T.S.O.L. - Code Blue 

This song is about necrophilia. There’s not much more I know to say about it. They made some shitty hair-metal albums a few years after this. They were pretty terrible. Then they became a punk band again, and it sounded pretty good. This doesn’t affect me one way or another at the moment.

 

13.) Sunia - “Me! I Disconnect From You” 

I literally have no idea what this is, and it’s dreadful, regardless of my mood. It’s a Gary Numan Cover, but awful. I couldn’t find a video to offer an example, so here's a video of small baby animals because at least they don't make me hate my ears, unlike this pointless cover, and, by god, are they just adorable. look at that goddamn giraffe and tell me your day is still fucked after seeing that clumsy little cutie fall down.

 

this song is apparently on a compilation I added to my collection a while back because I liked a couple of songs on it. Removed from library.

 

 

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